Scott Cawelti

12-25-05

Every December Christians repeat the same story, and even non-Christians have to admit it’s a great plot.

 It pits the meek against the mighty, poor against the rich, the outcasts against the insiders.  It’s complete with a joyous ending, not to mention the founding of a world religion.

 It’s so powerful that no one thinks twice about recycling it every year.  The same ought to go for alternative versions, such as the following recycled Christmas fable, which I wrote years ago, freely adapted from the gospels of Matthew and Luke.

Behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take unto thee Mary thy wife, for this which is conceived in her is of the holy spirit.

She will bear a son or daughter and you shall call his or her name Jesus or Jesse, for he or she will save his or her people from their sins.”

 While Joseph and Mary were in Bethlehem, the time came for her to be delivered.  Lo and behold, Mary gave birth to their first-born daughter and wrapped her in swaddling clothes and laid her in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.  

Following the angels’ suggestion, she named her child Jesse.

Now in that region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone all about them.  They were sore from riding camels all day but now they were also sore afraid.

And the angel said to them, “Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will come to all the people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Jesse the Queen.

 “And this will be a sign for you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.”

  When the angels went away from them into heaven the shepherds said to one another, “A little GIRL, our savior?  Can this be true?”

 “A female savior? A lady Lord?  Women can BIRTH saviors, but they cannot BE one.  Everyone knows that!”

And they went with haste, and found Mary and Joseph.  They looked with wonder on the babe lying in the manger.  And they made known that which had been told them concerning this child; all who heard it wondered at what the shepherds told them.

But the shepherds were no longer sore afraid.  Now they were just plain  sore. 

 “What happened to the good old days,” they grumbled, “when only BOYS could be saviors?  Has anyone ever heard of a little girl becoming anything but a wife, an old maid, or a witch?”

The shepherds grew discouraged and went home, thinking the real savior had not yet been born.  “Probably some maverick angels,” one of them said, “Or maybe that frankincense is getting old.”

 Along the way, they met three wise men who had also heard the news.  The shepherds stopped the wise men, saying “Turn back. Save your frankincense and myrrh. Wait until the real savior comes along. This one’s only a baby girl named Jesse.”

And Mary, mother of Jesse, kept all these things, pondering them in her heart.

 “What if little Jesse had been born a boy?” she wondered, after she and Joseph had returned home. Would he have been worshiped as a real savior?”

Mary prayed nightly that if her daughter Jesse had any special powers she would keep them to herself.  Little boys with special powers, she knew, often became saviors, founders of great religions.  Little girls with special powers were usually burned as witches.

Baby Jesse grew nto a wonderful woman, a friend to all in need, and wise beyond all men.  Thanks to her mother’s teaching, she never used her miraculous powers, and never married.

Jesse lived and died in obscurity, beyond of her small circle of friends.  Meanwhile, all around the world, wise men kept waiting for the real savior.

 

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

    

12-25-11 

So, what does Christmas mean, really?  Originally a pagan celebration of the winter solstice, very early Christians declared December 25th their savior’s birthday. 
Since there were no records of Jesus’ birth, they figured why not use an already used celebration?  In terms of marketing their religion, early Christians were the original wise men.  

 So Jesus isn’t the reason for the season after all.  And neither is winter solstice any more, except for a few wiccans and sun worshippers.  Hey, if it weren’t for the 
sun. . .  

 We know truths about people and cultures by observing not words, but deeds, not speeches, but actions.  And by our actions we discover the current real meaning of Christmas: Retail shopping.   

 Merry sales records.   

 Truth by told, for a full month, Christmas celebrates selling the most stuff to the most people for the least money. 

 Watching people go quite literally insane and trample each other to death as retails stores open after Thanksgiving shows the real meaning of Christmas.  Seeing daily news reports on sales records, from “Black Friday” to “Cyber Monday”--there’s the truest Christmas.  Counting shopping days every year to Christmas—yes, there’s real Christmas.  

 Seeing Santa everywhere, encouraging parents to buy more gifts for their children at every big-box store--true Christmas in action.   Never mind that toys crowd some children’s rooms to the point of creating junk depots.  Never mind that they forget all about them within hours.  It’s still what we’re celebrating:  Spending in the name of giving.   

 Free gift-wrapping, free shipping, deep discounts—all help remind us daily of what Christmas has become. 

 Scouring stores for gifts for people who don’t need (or want) anything gets downright depressing.  To paraphrase Wordsworth, Christmas is too much with us, late and soon, getting and spending, we lay waste our powers.  

 So, for future reference, let me suggest solutions for the shopping frenzy that Christmas has become: 

 (1) Find a present that everyone likes and give it every year to everyone.   A great magazine subscription.  Rare treat foodstuffs that people can’t find or wouldn’t buy for themselves.  While this gift sometimes outlives its usefulness (please, Scott, we don’t need another box of glazed pecans) it’s usually appreciated for its dependability, if nothing else.

 (2) Micro-shop all year round.  Instead of cramming all gift shopping into the busiest and most crowded time of the year, find that perfect gift for Uncle Phil in July and store it until Christmas.   I’ve done this several times, and found nothing but joy—when I found Uncle Phil’s perfect gift on the back shelf a week after Christmas.  Still a good idea, though.   

 (3) Give cash gifts to a charity in the name of the receiver, and let that be their gift.  Who can complain about receiving a gift to the American Cancer Society, or United Way?  Combined with (1) above, and you have the perfect gift:  A yearly charity donation reveals what Christmas was supposed to be about anyway:  Really giving.

 (4) Finally, there’s always honesty, painful though it may be.  Here’s an honest Christmas greeting I’d like to write in a festive card (in lieu of a present) to all my giftees:  

 “DEAR RELATIVE OR FRIEND OR BOTH:  This year I found no gift at all for you because (a) nothing you actually need came to mind.  Besides, you already have too much.  (b) I was preoccupied with other stuff that seemed more important, (c) I’ve decided that retail shopping for days wastes a good holiday, and  (d) I appreciate the gift of the returning sun, and you should too.  That’s enough for anyone.  
Thank you in advance for appreciating my holiday honesty.”  

 In the spirit of celebrating the best retail shopping holiday of all, I wish everyone a Cool Yule, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and a Wonderful Winter Solstice.  

 And really, here comes the sun.